this better get better. i already find myself thinking about alternatives. i find comfort in looking up websites researching writing anything but what i'm supposedly supposed to be doing.
is it possible for me to be into two men?
am i a huge slut? do i just need male attention?
do i need to hug and kiss and be loved?
i think boyd might be falling for me. sometimes i feel this heavy silence or his breathing and i feel like he's going to tell me he loves me.
black and gold reminds me of going out til late, drinking and playin gpool. me etch a sketching while boyd broke some shit down to me, about how i was hard to understand how i was saying mixed up things. and then we fucked on shane's broken blow up bed. when we woke up we were stuck together in the middle and boyd went to work we were both bleary eyed and still drunk across the line from each other. that was the most romantic i swear. the most dirty ugly sexy.
and now we're falling into this relationship type thing and i have no one to talk to about it they're not here i'm losing people so fast and it's like, where i appreciate things about boyd so much i miss steven too. i miss how easy it is to be around steven.
last night boyd and i kind of got into a fight thing where i thought he was going to be at my house when he was calling to say he was just getting home and i guess my tone was nonchalant i didn't act like i cared if he came or not so he said he'd stay home and then i got upset with him i told him i was disappointed os we got off the phone and then i was so heated up i wanted to call things off with him completely i felt if i didn't he was going to first and when i called him he said he was happy i called that he had been sitting silent on his couch thinking about things and not feeling good about it, like we had had our first fight and i said sometimes i think we go up and down and don't talk about what's really going on and that things are going to end soon and he said he doesn't think of it like that, he thinks of it all on me like i'm the one who's going to end it. and he just waits for it almost.
so he came over. i heard him while i was in the bathroom i opened the door to him calling me. we didn't talk about it.
just had a lot of sweaty sex my bed frame couldn't be louder.
tonight i feel i could sleep without him.
i'm not sure aobut this whole thing. i always doubt him liking me.
i feel he's hung up on other people.
and then when i talk to steven oh my god i just remembered how wendy called me this morning and i handed boyd the phone saying it was wendy. realizing when i handed it to him, that's steven's mom. ugh. i'm gross.